Always the Pretend Girlfriend, Never the Girlfriend

If you have found yourself reading this then it means you know exactly what this post is going to be talking about. Like you, I consider myself to be a smart, intellectual, attractive woman and because of this you would think that I have a line of eligible bachelors just lining up to be with me, right? Wrong. Instead of men with potential I get whiny, insecure, indecisive, runt of the litter children, and that is putting it politely. I became exhausted with repeating the same story over and over again with the same man with a different face. We meet, vibe, he meets my friends, brings me food, hangout multiple times. eventually have sex, we fall off and then that is the end of that and the cycle repeats itself. At the time of my encounters with most of these men, I didn’t want a relationship because I was graduating in a few months and there was no point in investing in someone when  I would be moving onto a new school and city. Because of this I would try to ignore the fact that none of these men could take it upon themselves to ask me out on a date but sleeping with me was perfectly fine.

I didn’t mind the sex at first because again I didn’t need to emotionally invest in anyone. Sex has always been a fun activity that I enjoy and so I would get what I needed from them  to satisfy me and that would be that until I said otherwise. The problem was that over the course of those few months I had left at school, it became increasingly difficult to separate my sexual appetites and my emotions. I am an emotional being, more than most, I am very open and honest about my feelings, I legitimately wear my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to see. So, when I’m spending a lot of time with a man and the connection is there, the conversation is decent, the sex is good and he does boyfriend things, it is hard to ignore that feelings start to become apparent. A lot of the issues I have with being the not girlfriend are self-inflicted, I will admit that. But, I have always been honest with these men about what I wanted whether it was sex, conversation, a friend, etc. They just were not man enough to be honest about their intentions with me and would much rather go through the motions of sleeping in my bed and waking up to me than just being forthcoming. I will provide some examples for context and for argument’s sake I will refer to these men as H, K, B and G. I will start with G because out of all of these men he has been the most forthright and the most genuine and I truly consider him a friend if nothing else.   If you cannot ask the person you are having sex with  for help with something then you have no business having sex with them or messing around with them in the first place, which is why I bring up G first.
I met G the beginning of March, well, he actually found my snap from my Tinder. From the first day we hung out it was nothing but good vibes. He thinks I’m funny and it is nothing but fun and laughs while we are together, my friends fuck with him and its all chill. I can call him when I need help with homework, he has offered to help me move apartments. In general he is someone who I can call at a moments notice and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is going to come through for me. But, even with all of that he still does not do what I need him to do.  He will even go as far as putting cute snaps of us on his snapchat but ultimately he will not make me his girlfriend.
Next, we move onto H. Now, H started off as someone with potential, and after him I became very cautious of using the word “potential”. H and I met on Tinder, the first night we matched, we hung out. He came over to my house, we listened to music and had some wine. We both shared an interest in reading and made conversation about the Harry Potter series and various other books that we enjoy. He didn’t make the first move, in fact he was rather patient and so sweet that I was speechless because as flattering as him turning me down was, I had never had someone refuse having sex with me. I mean, homeboy had the opportunity, but he didn’t take it and honestly I was touched. Now, H is in the military and because of his rank he was gone frequently. I was understanding about that for the first few times until one day, he had gotten back from being underway  and he had apologized for his absence and insisted that he make it up to me with anything I wanted. I asked for some good wine (not that cheap shit) and some flowers. (Side note: You shouldn’t have to ask a guy to bring you flowers, that is something they should instinctively know how to do on their own. Literally in every movie or book, flowers are the guys signature apology. But, some guys just need to be spoon fed what to do. Never said they were smart. Back to the story) He had called me later that night to apologize again and confirm my requests…then the next day. In my head, we were still hanging out and he was coming over as discussed. A few hours pass and I had heard from him and he made it seem like everything was still going according to plan. Then, it is getting late and he texts me kindly asking to reschedule to the next day because he has to help a friend with a car situation. Me being the person that I am,  I understand that sometimes situations come up and they are sometimes beyond our control so I tried to not let that upset me. I told him I understood and then proceeded to going to the movies with my best friend. The next day rolls around and I have not seen nor heard from H at all, then at the 11th hour he tells me he is going underway. I cussed him out with a quickness, he read my message and after that  I wiped my hands clean of him….until March.
At this time, I had met B, but B was also in the military and was annoying my entire soul (he was perhaps the most whiny and the most child like of the men that I have encountered) and so I needed a break from him. H appears out of nowhere like nothing ever happened and long story short he came to see me, I spent the night at his house, we almost had sex but God said “nah” because H had no condoms on hand (which made me a little bit happy because I have never known a guy to not have a condom in his wallet or drawer or back pocket) . The next morning he got up and got ready for work, kissed me goodbye and said I could stay for as long as  I wanted because he would not be off of duty until later the next day. Not going to lie, I enjoyed every second I spent at his house because it felt comfortable, It felt like we had been doing this for forever. It felt good. I left his house later that day and he made sure I got home safely. I didn’t hear from him anymore since then and I recently found out that he is now stationed in Europe. I understand his lifestyle isn’t ideal, but again, another man who would go through the motions than to make me his GF.
Onto B, if we are picking favorite to least favorite then B would be my least favorite. B always felt the need to come off as this macho manly man who doesn’t have feelings and thinks that by being an asshole in every single sentence will somehow make him appealing. The only reason I even entertained him was because he was fine (All of them are, just for clarification. But, girl K is godlike in every way and G has a smile that’ll just make you wanna melt). But, as fine as he was the man was crazy. He went as far as putting his hands around my neck forcefully in my own home and when I told him to stop he said and I quote “You are so sensitive, Yo, I’m good on you. Your shit whack anyways. LOL OKKKK, my shit was so whack that you just kept coming back like a little bitch. Not only that, but peep this, he was even out here saying he was my man and how I am his girl and all of that other B.S but my shit was whack though. To make this even more hilarious, he just snapped me today asking if I wanted him and when I didn’t respond the first time he messaged again and said “guess not”. I thought I shit was whack though….
Now, my favorite out of all of these idiots would have to be K. He stands about 6’4”, dreads, abs for days, tatted, perfect smile, exudes confidence and a sexual appetite that supersedes mine (He sounds perfect right? He kinda is but remember he is on this post). K is a little older than me, about 6/7 years or so. He met my friends right out the gate because I was at a party and he wanted to come see me so he came to me. He seemed at ease and having fun and mingled with us and I danced on him and to hear my friends reactions when they found out he was there for me was the icing on the cake (I still hear about it till this day). After our first hangout, we talked for a little, nothing major and he saw me the weekend after that. This time, we had all cooked dinner and he came through, we ate, played Cards Against Humanity and then went back to my place. We got to my place, both inebriated in the best way and I turn on Netflix, he chooses to watch a comedy stand up. I wasn’t feeling it and I played some African music (He is Ethiopian and I am Nigerian) and we were able to connect in regards to that as well.  Not too long after, homeboy starts to put moves on me and I don’t object, I sit back and let it happen, savoring every moment. When a man like that touches you like that, you don’t ever forget about it. The sex lasted about 3 hours. My body had experienced things that I didn’t even know were possible and homeboy knew exactly what he was doing. After the longest sexual experience of my life, we laid there and talked about school, whats next, some important stuff but not too deep stuff. He did not leave my house until 4 am. I didn’t see him for a while after that and I was confused as to why because the dynamic didn’t change. Come to find out he had been going through some family drama , which I believed. However, he had been spending an obscene amount of time with his “sister”. Whom I believe is code for his ex.
I saw K again 3 weeks ago and he came to my place again, we vibed, watched Anime, Star Wars and other mindless entertainment and had sex again, Prior to, when I went in to kiss him he stopped me to let me know he “does not do kissing while having sex and it is nothing against me but he just recently tried to get back with his ex” . Now, what that has to do with kissing me I do not get, but, moving on. He was one of the first to congratulate me on graduating and he had gotten better with communicating and even though nothing was progressing with him it felt pretty good to know I still held his interest even if it was just sexually.
In essence, I have no issues letting a guy go, they are as replaceable as bobby pins. But, the time came where I was exhausted and over being the PG. I know my worth and what I bring to the table, I am a rarity and nobody has my heart or a mind like mine. I was created by a God that makes no mistakes and I know what it is that I want out of life. For every man who will not make me his GF, there are 5 more just dying to meet a girl like me. Sex is great, and its even better when there is a mutual attraction but I will be damned if I let my sex-abilities be one or the only of the qualifying conditions to whether or not I am worth his time or attention. I have too much going for me and too much to do with my life to play a PG to  a man who probably doesn’t know what a 401 k is and just wants to get his dick wet.
Sis, you are worthy and deserving of all of the love and energy that you put out into the atmosphere and anyone who cannot return that to you 100% has to go. You have no room for these temporary, ain’t shit guys. Work on you, build you so high up that not even your worst enemy can bring you down, love yourself to the point that your soul just radiates so brightly from within, stay prayed up, remember to occasionally slay on everyone who ever did you wrong and YOUR KING will approach you when he has prepared himself to be in your presence.
Love You,

Until Next Time

Miss A.

2 thoughts on “Always the Pretend Girlfriend, Never the Girlfriend

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