Let me start out by saying how much I love you.
I would do anything for you.
I love to see you happy.
I have loved watching you grow into the person I always knew you could be.
I know it hasn’t always been easy.
I know I have put you through the ringer so many times and I wonder how you can be so strong through it all.
Shout out to you.
Most do not know that even though it may appear that I am happy and based on my social media presence most would even say “living my best life”, the truth is that isn’t even the reality.
The truth is that I am really good at making it seem like I am happy.
Years of practice.
Years of having to “be strong” and shove aside how I feel to make sure that my loved ones are okay.
One of the things I love about myself is my strength.
The amount of emotional labor I have had to endure…..most do not have the mental capacity to handle it.
I am in awe of my ability to press forward.
You guys know that I try to be 100% honest with you.
So, it is only fair that I share what has been going on with me.
After all, this is as much of a safe space and retreat for me as it is a place for inspiration and insight for you.
Everyone knew that I was in grad school, well, if the word was is any indication, I am no longer in grad school.
Due to some financial hardships that my family had been enduring no one was in a position to help me when I needed it.
I also was not in the position to even help myself.
I fought tirelessly and exhausted all possible avenues and resources to ensure I was able to stay in school and fortunately (not unfortunately) it did not work out.
When I first had to come to grips with taking some time off from school I was upset.
I kept asking God “why me?”.
I kept wondering why would the God that brought me to this point not keep me there and then I had to stop myself.
This was not about me.
This was about something much bigger than myself, but, I could only see how it directly impacted me.
I was so consumed with anger and frustration that I was lashing out on everyone.
I blamed my mother most of all.
I felt as though she didn’t try hard enough, especially because she knew I wasn’t in a position to fix the situation.
One of the reasons why I was so upset was because when it came down to sending my sister or myself to school, my family chose my sister.
Now, I understand that I already have a degree, my sister does not.
So, I know that they did what was best at the time but it still hurt because I realized that not everyone is going to understand how important things are to you.
My family did not fully understand why being in grad school at this particular time was important to me.
But, instead of feeling bad about the situation that I was in, I chose to take a step back and look at the events that had taken place.
One thing I knew I had to stop doing was thinking that God did this to punish me.
I serve a God that is kind, loving and just.
This new path was not a punishment.
The end goal is still to get my Masters, however, it just so happens that I am taking a detour to get there.
Sometimes, plans change and we have to adjust to them. Even if that means taking another route to get there.
I chose not to marinate on not being in school anymore and truth be told, I could not afford to.
I had to act quickly.
I knew that I wanted to stay in that area because I knew I wanted my life there, so, the next course of action was to begin job searching and apartment hunting.
I used my networking skills and began to connect with people who could help me not only find a place, but find a place within my budget.
By God’s grace, I did find a place.
But, not only that, I found a community of good people who love God and genuinely want the best for me. That is hard to come by these days.
So, when I began to get to know my potential roommates more, it clicked for me that this was where I needed to be.
So, I had the housing situation squared away and now it was a matter of securing a job.
I am still working on securing a job. I know I have done my part. I am just playing an ugly round of the waiting game.
To be completely honest, I am going stir crazy.
This is the first time in five years that I have not been in school or had a job and I have entirely too much extra time on my hands.
But, I see that as a little blessing right now because I do have some things that I need to make peace with.
I have been struggling with my emotions and everyday feels like I am in a constant battle with my head and with my heart.
(Author’s note: Since I wrote this post, I have been offered a job. In my field. Which is a blessing because considering I haven’t had that much experience, I should not have even been offered the job, but God and I just like that.)
On top of that I am in the interview process for another job in my field. I am asking God for the discernment to help me to have faith that if the other position is offered to me that I can decide which job to follow. It is so funny how he works, because a week ago I did not even have a job offer, I had no prospects and now I have one job offer with another potential job offer in the midst. He truly does work in mysterious ways.
Protecting my peace is the most important thing in the world to me.
I have taken a step back from my friends and family all for the sake of my peace.
It is selfish and I love it.
I recently got into an altercation with some close friends of mine and honestly, the old me would care.
But, the new me, this woman who has become overly obsessed with protecting her peace really could care less.
Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, I love them dearly. But, it means that I just do not care to allow how people feel to dictate my mood for me.
I am in a space where protecting my peace matters more to me than anyone or any thing. I am learning to say no and these recent experiences with close friends has taught me a very valuable lesson.
It has taught me that even those in our lives that we think know us well sometimes don’t know us as well as we think that they should.
I have learned that it is more than okay to leave a situation temporarily if you do not feel that it is going to get better.
Again, while I love my friends dearly, the blind cannot lead the blind.
What that means in terms of my life is that I am in a space of healing and so are my friends and the broken cannot help the broken.
No one gets healed.
So, for my situation, I just felt that my friends were not in the right space to help me either.
I was at a point where I needed compassion and understanding and I wasn’t getting that.
I did not feel understood.
In those moments I just did not feel like my friends were being empathetic towards my plight, instead I received jaded sympathy.
I now know to not make myself readily or easily accessible to anyone anymore. No matter who it is.
My “friends” who supposedly know me, who I have cried with, laughed with, hurt with, those who are supposed to know me have attacked my character.
They have made me feel like I am not supposed to do any wrong and that my feelings do not matter. I felt that they were essentially saying “forget how you feel, move on”.
I learned the hard way that not everyone has the same heart as me and not only that but not everyone has the same thought process as I do.
I love myself enough to never put myself through situations like that again.
I love me enough to not put you in a position to hurt you anymore. I matter to myself that much.
If someone does not like who I am or the way in which I conduct myself, the door is that way.
I honestly do not have the heart to help heal anyone other than myself anymore.
I am aware that I am a healer.
I found out very young that I attracted people who needed healing.
I could be going through the lowest point in my life, but if a person needed me to share some insight to help them heal I would shove aside what I was going through to ensure that they had the tools they needed to pick themselves up.
But, no more.
Therapist Abby is taking a leave of absence.
Healer Abby is doing the same.
The only person that matters to me and that I need to focus on is myself.
Now, Valentine’s Day is vast approaching and I thought I would have Valentine this year, but, I do not, not anymore.
It is no secret that I was in a relationship and anyone that knew it, knew I was madly in love with the guy.
Well, I found out that he was moving and the way in which he responded to that news was the proof that I needed that he was not the man I needed.
He told me he was moving and not even 24 hours later he removed my pictures from his Instagram and when it came down to us talking about how we were going to move forward, he was not present.
His actions made it clear to me that he did not have the mental stability to fight for me.
He made me feel disposable, like all of the time spent, the things both said and done and the memories and attachment that we created just did not matter.
This was a man who had told everyone who would listen that he was going to marry me.
When someone is talking marriage…..I TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
That is something that I do not joke about.
He just was not man enough to understand the degree in which his words affected me.
Marriage to me is at a nine. In his mind it was probably a three or four.
His actions elicited a lot of suppressed pain and emotions and if someone loves you, really and truly, the last thing they want to do is cause you pain.
After the breakup I tried to figure out the “why?”.
Why we broke up.
Why would God bring me this man.
Why would God bring me someone who showed me so much goodness and kindness and blessed me with a second family.
Why would he take him away from me.
Or why would he allow this to happen.
But, not all signs from God are going to be pleasant.
God showed me who that man truly was.
The true test of a person is when the chips are down.
You can tell a lot about a person with how they handle a situation.
I saw him for who he truly was.
Who he was is not the man God has for me
I deserve a man who is going to choose me above all else, despite what the world may offer.
I will not settle for anything less than a man who sees me and who treats me the way that God does.
I deserve someone who will go through any and every storm just for my love.
I am at a point in my life where all I have to give is my love and understanding. If that is not enough for a person then it just is not enough.
The same goes to my friends.
I realized who my friends were when I was going through my breakup and through my home situation.
Those people saw the good even in a bad situation.
Those friends went through my breakup with me and told me to look at the good and not just focus on the bad.
Those are the friends that I have never been at odds with. We may not always see eye to eye but when the chips are down, that is when they love me the most.
There is no low blows, no being talked down on. Just compassion and understanding and honesty. They help me in the way that I need. They truly know me and they like me for who I am. No matter what I come to them with, they like me through it all and support me through the good and the bad.
They don’t overlook my feelings.
These two individuals make up for all the “friends” that I thought knew me and understood me.
Life lesson: You won’t have many true friends who love you through it all. Much less like you through it all.
But, you will have very few friends and when you know who those people are, you will not need anyone else. They will be enough.
I have also learned that a lot of people who would be fake to my face and say they were happy for me secretly plotted that my relationship would not work out.
When God sends me the man he has for me, no one will know except those friends.
Because, they wanted the absolute and genuine best for me in this last relationship.
They didn’t hit me with the “you can do bad all by yourself”.
They didn’t say “forget him, move on with your life”.
They knew me and knew that this breakup was taking its toll on me and they trusted my process.
They let me heal at my own pace, they let me feel the hurt at my own pace and they let me have hope. They were my rock when I needed it.
But, God deserves the credit most of all.
He is my cornerstone.
The one who makes all of this possible.
He made me the way that I am and in his eyes I am perfect.
I will not apologize for how I love.
Because, it is my love.
Key word: MY LOVE.
I will not apologize for who I choose to love because there is a reason I love them.
I will not apologize for finally being that unapologetic queen.
I am UN-apologetically me and that is the only person I want to be.
So, to the people I love and have given myself to time and time again but did not know how to love me back….I say goodbye, for now.
I am walking away.
I have to walk away.
Because, honestly, I love myself entirely too much to settle for any kind of relationship that causes me pain.
This Valentine’s Day I may not have that romantic love that I want, but, I have found another deeper and fulfilling love.
I found the love of myself again.
Even further than that, I am falling in love with God all over again.
See, let me tell you something about my relationship with him.
It is a love without condition. A never-ending, reckless love.
A love that is continuously proven day in and day out.
After all I have put him through, he has stayed faithful to me and has never left my side.
Boyfriends come and go.
Friends come and go and even family will leave you.
But, his love is forever.
I am excited to see what these next few months hold for me.
I look at how far I have come in these few months alone.
I embrace the change and that is one thing I love the most about myself.
I love my ability to seek growth. I love my intense desire to continuously change and grow into the best version of myself that I can be.
I love that I understand that the process takes time and that I am patient and trust myself.
Until God sends that man for me I continue to acknowledge that my love is a gift.
My love is unconditional and beautiful.
My love is patient and it is kind.
These failed relationships were not a punishment. They were merely the opportunity I needed so that I could know to protect and preserve my heart for the one strong enough to handle it. The man who deserves me.
Until then, God needs me most of all.
I do not believe in coincidences. I believe things happen for a reason and everything I have experienced I believe is God telling me to be still and put my attention back on him.
Sometimes, we get too caught up in our lives that we forget what really matters.
We lose track of who we truly are when we are stripped of the luxuries we possess.’
I never want to be so consumed with anything in life that I forget who I am and what matters to me.
I love my life and I love who I am.
There is no one on this earth that loves you more than I.
I love your never-ending commitment to seeking out growth.
I love how you accept that you are not perfect.
I love your love.
How it is more than most can bear.
I love the warmth that you bring with promises of better coming.
In this year of 2018, I promise to be all about you.
I promise to choose you time and time again.
Because you are the most important thing in this world to me.
Because you truly are the only person that could possibly love me the way I want to be loved.
So, to you, my ever so amazing and faithful readers PLEASE PROTECT YOUR PEACE.
That will be the reason you sleep at night.
That will be the reason you are able to look your haters in the eye and say “you do not put any fear into my heart”.
Your peace is what will get you through life so do whatever it takes to protect it.
Guard it with your heart.
I know some of you may not have any Valentine’s this year (It’s okay, neither do I), but, just know that I love you.
I appreciate the unwavering love and support that you show me every single time I post.
Keep being you.
I promise you that someone notices it.
Also, please practice self-love and reflection daily. Because, if you aren’t comfortable with yourself, if you have not confronted the deep-seated issues and flaws that you have, no one else will do it for you.
If you do not have a sense of self, you have no sense of purpose.
So, this Valentine’s Day please do not stress over not having a Valentine’s.
Give that love that you would give to that someone to yourself.
There are many more valentine’s days to be had.
You have yourself, always, and God has you.
His love is the best love one could ever receive, second is the love for ourselves.
Be kind to yourself.
Love on YOUrself (Click to read my post on self-love)
Do what makes you happy (but, do not be reckless)
If nobody else got you, I got you.
I love you, ALWAYS.