I am sitting on the rooftop of my building as I type this and I am at peace.
I am perfectly centered and one with myself.
As I type this I feel my heart tightening but only in the best of ways.
I don’t know how to explain it.
I can only describe it as bliss.
It is February 20th and it is 78 degrees outside and it is perfect.
I am looking at the most spectacular view.
I see trees as far as the eye can see.
I am just looking around and taking it all in for a second.
I feel like the writers you see in a T.V show or in a movie who is writing a big story and their inner monologue is being narrated for the viewers.
With a view like this, I know that no matter what I may face I know all I need to do is remember this view and this feeling and everything will be okay.
I just wanted to share that before I got into the post.
This is my expression of gratitude for the day.
Moving right along….
I have always felt a lot older than those around me.
I have always felt that I never really belonged to the generation I was born in.
I have always been told that I was “mature for my age” and I just equated that to having to grow up early.
But, as I got older, that didn’t seem to make sense to me anymore.
I legitimately did not feel connected to most people my age.
Then, I noticed that I just could not stand to be friends with people my own age because I just could not relate to them on any level.
I began to make friends with people who were older me and I felt more connected to them than my own peers.
Fortunately, I did make friends with people my own age and I soon discovered they were old souls as well.
I finally found people who could understand how out-of-place I have felt for what seems like my entire life.
One of my friends then put a name to what I had been feeling and told me that I was an old soul.
According to Urban dictionary, an old soul by definition is a spiritual person who is wise beyond their years; people of strong emotional stability. Basically, someone who has more understanding of the world around them.
(“Wise beyond their years”. There that saying goes again.)
Because I find it hard to relate to people my own age I tend to be by myself 99.9% of the time. People just don’t cut it for me.
Rather than putting myself through meaningless conversation I can be found in my bed, curled up with a good book.
Another issue old souls have…we tend to be major homebodies.
The club scene is beyond outdated for me. It does nothing for me.
I could be surrounded by so many people and still feel alone.
Honestly, I feel alone most of the time.
I am not lonely. I know who is really there for me and who isn’t but, life happens and those people can’t be in my face 24/7.
Speaking of loneliness, as I was writing this, I became so overwhelmed with emotions I started to bawl my eyes out.
When you realize just how isolated and different you are than most…it starts to feel like a curse rather than a blessing.
As an old soul I constantly find myself seeking out knowledge. In all of its forms. I ache for it, I hunger for it. I thirst for it.
It is an intense desire to want to learn more, to know more about everything.
I find myself thinking about things such as how long did it take for people to create roads. How did each building in every town and city come to be. The things most people don’t really think to know.
It overwhelms me.
Seeking knowledge is more meaningful to me than reading about whatever the Kardashian’s /Jenner’s are doing, or what sports team scored or even what that psychopathic Cheeto with the nuclear codes that is sitting in the oval office is tweeting about.
I would consider myself to be an emotional old soul and what that means is that emotional old souls tend to have sensitive and spiritual natures. If you know me then you know I am a very emotional person.
My emotions rule my every word, thought, action.
But, lately, having inner peace with my emotions has been the most important journey to me.
Again I tend to think…a lot … about everything. My mind is constantly wandering.
But, one of the qualities I love the most about myself is my ability to reflect and learn from not only my own actions but the actions of others and this ability has been my greatest teacher in life.
I think one of the reasons why I feel so old at heart is because I have learned so many lessons throughout my life that it has aged me years older than what I am.
Not only that, but, I have learned so many lessons through my own thought processes.
These life experiences have given me so much insight into life situations in general.
I am able to quietly and carefully observe what is going on around them and be able to use my own insight to best help those that need it to overcome their own life struggles.
I also tend to see the bigger picture.
Rarely do I allow myself to get caught up in the superficial things such as getting a degree that most probably won’t use, job promotions, a new car or a new phone.
I mean, yes, I do have a degree and I do want a job promotion but that does not define me. That does not make me who I am.
There is more to life than a $40,000 a year piece of paper or a 9-5.
If I am going to live my life, I am going to make sure it is meaningful. I am going to make sure that I make memories and not just live the way someone expects me to.
Too many people waste time doing what is expected of them that they never really do what they want to do.
They do not do what sets their soul on fire.
They follow the money.
Following something such as money instead of passions will have you in your 50’s, in your big house full of useless stuff and have you wondering why you never did what you had your hearts set on.
I promised myself that I was not going to live my life wondering “what if”?
I was not going to be one of those people in their 50’s trying to start their life over because they realized just how miserable chasing a dollar truly was.
Wealth, status, power and the latest version of the iPhone hold no significance for me. As a matter of fact all of that bores me to tears.
All of those things can instantly be taken away.
What will be left once you have been stripped away of all of those things?
What will be said of you?
Or will all you have had to offer was your money, power, and your fame?
I have no desire for the short-lived things of life. They simply bring no real joy or long-lasting fulfillment into my life.
Growing up, I was just always “too mature for my age” .
I was often being refereed to as being “precocious”, “introverted”, or “rebellious“, and for the life of me could never really fit in or behave like my peers. I hated school, as a matter of fact, I got into trouble a few times in class because i was always reading something that had nothing to do with the class.
One teacher said to my mom one day :
“She is a very bright child, she just has a hard time paying attention in class”.
Another teacher said “I love that she reads, I wish more of my students read like she does. I just want her to read the class material though”
Honestly, I did not see the purpose of a lot of what my teachers or peers were saying or doing. On top of that, I am the oldest of my parents three children and from an early age I think my parents knew they were dealing with an old soul and they began to treat me as an adult.
I remember when my dad would go away for work, he would tell my 9-year-old self that it was my responsibility to watch after my mother and my sisters. He would always say : “I know you are a big girl, you can handle this”.
Just the feeling of being treated as an adult and being entrusted with important information meant the world to me.
I could never put a name to how I was feeling.
I just remember “feeling old”.
I always have feelings of wariness.
I am constantly mentally drained and exhausted from having to nurture other people instead of myself.
Not only that, but, one of the biggest issues I face as an old soul is finding that love that I crave.
I present my most authentic self to people and while that authentic self is deeply flawed, it is me to my core.
I want a relationship that is authentic.
I want to be in a relationship that encourages and celebrates mutual authenticity.
I never want to feel like I have to hide, pretend, suppress or change any part of who I am to be with someone and neither should they.
If I or my partner cannot be our genuine selves around each other. I do not want it.
I don’t want to be with someone who “puts up with me”, instead, I want someone who pushes me each and everyday to be the truest and most authentic version of myself and I want them to embrace every single part of me….as I would them.
Also, because my love for God runs deep, I want someone who is going to chase God with me daily.
Someone that goes through God to get to my heart.
I want that God-like love.
I want that love where we pray for each other, quote scripture together, lead a ministry at church or even just encourage and inspire the youth of today.
A love that is blessed by God.
A love that seeks HIM every single day.
A love that is kind, forgiving and trusting.
I want a love that teaches me.
I crave a love that instead of criticizing or rejecting each other, my partner will point out where I went wrong, areas of improvement and I want him to know that I will do the same for him.
I am fully aware that I will always have more to learn and as I have mentioned, I am someone who seeks out knowledge.
I seek out new ways to feed my mind.
I am a student to the world and all it has to offer.
But, having someone beside me that is willing to embark on this quest for more knowledge would be a blessing.
Probably, the most annoying part about being an old soul looking for love is that I always seem to attract people who need more “fixing” than I do.
Because we are old souls we tend to attract people who are looking for help.
I am a social worker. It is my natural instinct to want to help others.
The same goes for other old souls. We have healing auras about us. But, entering a relationship in order to “fix” the other person is not the way to go.
I did that once and it left me hollow.
I don’t want to be my partners doctor or counselor 24/7. I do that enough at work.
The last thing I want is to feel like I have to be his therapist.
For once, it would be nice to be with someone who is in a similar place than I.
Someone who doesn’t need to be fixed.
Another reason why it is difficult for me to find love is my personality.
I have an intense personality.
As I ave mentioned, my mind wonders and I think a lot.
It’s hard to find a person who can understand or match our complex identities….especially someone in my generation.
That is like asking for rain in the desert.
Having depth and seeking out knowledge in a society that is materialistic and values objects, and superficial appearance, my intense personality can and has intimidated most people from really getting to know me.
I want a love that is vulnerable.
Being compatible at a personality level just isn’t enough anymore.
As a matter of fact, we are past the age in which commonalities should even be a factor for long-term relationships.
The only commonality I look for in my partner is that he be a Christian.
His love for God HAS to match mine.
If his hunger and desire to chase after God is not as intense as mine then I am not interested.
Real love is not liking someone or sharing their same interests, instead, it is willingly opening up one’s heart and Soul — even if it hurts.
It is showing the parts of yourself that you have tried so hard to suppress.
In our vulnerability with one another, old wounds can open, breathe and heal.
When we can truly be vulnerable with each other, then it becomes an unconditional love.
A love like God’s love.
Though nothing is like God’s love, an unconditional love between lovers is the most intoxicating.
COMMITMENT AND EFFORT IS SEXY.
I wish I could beat that into most men’s heads.
Especially my ex.
Love constantly needs to be nurtured, just like my soul….it needs sustenance.
Words mean nothing unless they can be proven by actions.
Communication, shared experiences, effort, honesty and dedication are the only real ways to keep the fire in the love burning.
I WANT MY PARTNER TO BE ABLE TO MAKE THEMSELVES HAPPY.
I want my partner to know that I cannot make him happy and he cannot make me happy. We make ourselves happy. The minute our individual happiness becomes dependent on the other, something dies.
I want my man to be happy and whole by himself and I want to be able to share his happiness and wholeness with him by bringing my individual happiness and wholeness to the table.
A lot of people enter a relationship because they feel like something is missing, or they do not want to be alone and it is that very reason that causes many relationships to crash and burn.
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY
YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY, DARLING.
As old souls, we know that healthy relationships are rooted in inner happiness.
I find it difficult to settle for comfort, lust, physical attraction, or “keeping each other company.”
A relationship based on any of these things is settling for less.
I have dated guys who were attractive, or who I was in lust with and even put up with certain men because I did not want to be alone or needed company.
But, the older I got the more I realized just how starved I was for my soul mate.
I realized that I was settling because I did not want to be alone.
I need someone who will share in my values, especially my love for God and someone who can truly be my partner throughout life.
The most dreadful part about being an old soul in this day and age is the “Dating Game”.
All that does is bring drama, pointless rules of what “should and shouldn’t” happen and it is a huge waste of my time… further adding to the difficulty in finding a love that lasts.
I come with a lot of baggage.
I come with battle wounds.
Many Old Souls become old souls because of difficult and traumatic life circumstances that happened to them which force the growth of inner maturity.
For me, the catalyst of my baggage was my father passing away when I was young.
Everything else that happened after that was like a domino effect.
When it comes to love, it is important to me that the man for me is someone who is mature enough to handle the “baggage” that I carry and unfortunately, it is hard to find someone who is willing to do that.
….and, yes, sex is great.
But, I want more than just someone who wants to take me to bed because of my physical appearance.
I want someone who is going to fall in love with my soul first.
Until that man finds me.
I am content being in this peaceful space.
Another thing about old souls is that we feel things intensely.
I love intensely and the degree in which I love something goes hand in hand with how much I fear losing it, or not being “good enough” for it. We also don’t just love intensely, we feel EVERYTHING else intensely, too, and sometimes, because of this, it gets in the way of a lot of good things that could happen for us.
I love being an old soul.
I would not have it any other way.
But, it does come with a numerous amount of conditions and I know that I deserve for each of them to be met.
I know God will send me the one who can meet these standards.
I am excited and ready to meet him and love on him.
Until we meet.