Hello, my lovelies!
It has been too long.
I have missed you all so much.
But, I needed to take a break.
As much as I hated not putting out content, I knew that if I was going to continue to put forth my best, I needed to be at my best.
Every spring people all over the world participate in this unspoken ritual called “Spring Cleaning”. You go through your home and you purge your closet, replace your clothes from last year, re do furniture, etc.
Well, this is one of my goals this spring. I am doing a complete cleanse of my mind, body and soul.
I started by cleansing my contact list and my social media feed. I began blocking people from my past on social media and removing toxic images from my feed. I didn’t need my exes to peep me living my life anymore. I closed off all of their access to me. They never did anything for me to begin with.
In all actuality, all of them with the exception of one have a degree. I make more than all of them with my career, not just a job and if we are being completely honest, none of them are in stable, happy relationships. So, as Rih Rih says, it is safe to say that I wasn’t the problem.
The part that is laughable is the fact that I look back on each of my interactions with these men and I shake my head and wonder why I ever even entertained these men. They started to look ugly to me. All the sex appeal that I thought they had just obliterated into nothing right out the window with no hopes of ever returning.
That is the funny thing about loneliness. It is very deceptive. Loneliness will have you thinking that the trash these men spew out their mouth to hook you in is the finest of Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter. It will have you think that these men walk on water, that they are gold. When in reality you were the treasure all along. They just had a good way of making it look like they were gold. When you strip away that façade that was masked as “their mystery”, you see them for who they truly are, cowards. Emotionally damaged, childish, cowards. Cowards for breaking down a powerful woman and having her believe she is nothing. They never wanted you, they wanted to be let into you.
We allow men to have too much power over us. We allow them to treat us any kind of way because we don’t want to be alone. Because deep down we feel we won’t find any better.
I’m finally in a space that I have longed for. I am finally living the life that I had dreamed of. Independent, successful, stable and happy. All without a man by my side.
But, best believe when God decides to bless me with my future King, our empire will begin to be built immediately. It’s a process but I’m grateful for the wait.
With my family, I am learning to compartmentalize more.
Saying “no” and standing up for myself is one of the best things I could ever do when my family is involved. I am at a pinnacle point in my life and I need my relationship with my mother to be intact. Now is not the time for it to be falling apart at the seams. My sisters and I need to be closer than ever now, because we don’t live together anymore. We have to have each other’s backs and honestly, me taking time to myself in a weird way, helps to ensure my relationship with them will be secure. I love my family and my friends and me choosing to be in this season of solitude is not meant to be perceived as a slap in their face, nor should it be perceived as such but lil baby has to be in survival mode right now.
When you are constantly being the giver and the nurturer, people like me need that to be replenished. Very few people nourish me or think to replenish what they have taken: My time, money, advice, etc.
God nourishes me, that is how I live, that is where my strength comes from. He gives me the tools I need to get through the day, but, it required that I ask for those tools. I asked for peace, he gave me peace. I asked for clarity, he gave me clarity.
I love the life I live. The life I lead.
I treat everyday as a new adventure. Because, it is. I always make sure that I am ready for anything the day may throw because I may stumble upon my next creative vision, I may bump into my future husband walking down the street. You just never know. So, you have to be prepared.
I carpe the diem and since I started living my life this way, it has changed how I see the world.
I spent two years too long always worrying about some guy. Where he was, why wasn’t he texting me, thinking of ways to get him to come see me. Now, they’re worried over me (as they should be) and it’s a good feeling. I’m not stressing over anyone, except myself. I can slowly feel myself becoming who I want to be.
Don’t get me wrong. I still cannot wait to meet my future baby. I can’t wait to support him and him me. I cannot wait to love on him and receive all his loving and kisses and I am so ready for all of our vacations, but, I know God is placing me in this space for a reason and I couldn’t be happier.
Anyone who I have to apologize to for being myself was purged from my life. It is nothing for me to meet new people. I have made several divine connections in the past couple months and all I did is walk into the store.
It is so funny how God works, how he makes things come full circle. The other day I was finally able to go into the city for some drinks with some girlfriends I hadn’t seen in a while.
I also made another friend and there we were, the three of us were talking about podcasts and how obsessed we were with a good podcast, and now, we are thinking about creating our own.
Now, when I tell you guys how I excited I was to hear these women say “let’s make our own podcast”….I had wanted to do one for so long but with my blog, I had to pick which one needed me the most. Now, God placed women in my life to help share the workload.
On top of that, he is blessing me in so many different ways and I don’t think I could ever appreciate him fully if I never removed those distractions…or stopped giving them time that is rightfully his.
I have a difficult time letting go of things. I still have things from my childhood. Old scrapbooks, journals, clothes. Everything has a specific memory tied to it.
Just like those items I had a hard time letting go of, it was the same thing with guys.
No matter how wrong, absentminded or inattentive they were I would still hold on to them because I was scared to let go of the memories, the conversations.
Because, each guy had a specific memory associated with him. But, then I look back and when I think of my interactions with these guys, there was never anything positive or concrete to even hold onto so, there was no longer a need to hold on to them anymore.
God has placed me in a position to lead by example. I get the opportunity to change lives at my job. The opportunity to be something these girls have never had before and I have to be at my best for them.
I can’t be a positive role model for them if I don’t have it together myself.
My girls have been through situations that neither you nor I could ever possibly understand nor have the strength to.
They’re kids that have experienced real world adult trauma and with all of that negativity that they have had to face I want to be that light for them. I want to be a positive role model to them. I want them to be able to say “I want to be like her when I grow up”.
I want them to experience what a positive, strong role model is and that everything does not have to be rooted in anger, violence or hate. I want them to know that love can be silent, it can be pure. That love does not hit you, love does not yell at you. It does not abuse you or tell you you’re worth nothing.
It can be stern but it should never be used as a tool to destroy.
I want to be able to help them know their worth and value and teach them that no matter what, to live the way God wants them to and love as much as possible.
Because, if there’s one thing I stand firmly on it is that love is the only thing that truly heals.
I always say the broken can’t lead the broken, but they aren’t broken…and neither am I.
We have just been bent slightly.
I love my freedom.
Since I let go of all of that weight I go with the wind.
The other day I went into the city just on a whim. I wandered around blindly with no destination in mind.
Just me, my girlfriends and nothing but time.
I got to take in the city in all of it’s entire splendor and I never wanted to leave. I took some fire pictures (which will be on my Instagram) and just lived life. As I was walking down the streets of Georgetown I started to envision my life in the city.
Not too far of a commute to my job, I’d live in my apartment overlooking the busy city streets and take frequent trips to the monuments to get inspiration when needed.
I was so content with myself as I was planning out my life.
Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of a couple walking down the street, cocooned in their little bubble of love and I started thinking of my future lover and how I couldn’t wait to take walks with him.
His arm would be draped around my shoulder as his lips are to my ear and he is probably saying something slick and grinning at me.
I probably would have my hand interlocked with his hand that is draped over me, leaning into him. Breathing him in and just thinking of how pure and blissfully in love I am with this man. How wonderful it feels to be so at peace doing something so simple with the man I love.
I have that image burned into my brain now.
So, when I am faced with a lonely night and want to act on the feeling, I want to be able to cling to that little glimmer of hope in my mind and have the strength to wait.
No one likes to be lonely. God created woman for man just so man wouldn’t wander alone. So that man could have someone to do life with.
But, in order to get to where you want to be and where God needs you to be it requires you take some time to get to know yourself without all of the extra background noise.
People come and go from your life, but you always have yourself and God.
But, what I am realizing is people would rather keep in the company of liars, false people and toxic people than to spend time alone.
Isn’t that something?
Company is more comfortable than our own solitude.
There was a sermon by one of my favorite pastors, Pastor Steven Furtick.
In this sermon he talks about the toxicity in dysfunctional comfort. His words were so profound that they have stuck to me like glue. He talks about often times we entertain certain people and we become comfortable with them even though they could be bad for us. We put up with delusional, abusive, manipulative partners and friends because we are scared that if we let go that we could never find anything better. We settle instead of running into the comfort of our solitude.
Furtick goes on to talk about how living in our dysfunction becomes fun to us.
We know we need work but we become complacent with ourselves and so we continue to pine over the guy that wants nothing to do with us. We pine after the girl with a ton of IG followers and heavily used filters because she “looks good” but when you attempt to have a meaningful conversation or build a life with these people you start to see that they hold no real depth to them. That is how you end up fifty, on your third marriage, wondering why you still haven’t figured it out.
Some women can’t even function unless they are constantly checking their phone for a text from that guy.
I used to be that girl. I was so blinded by someone else I not only ignored the people who were with me in the now, but, every time I would chip away at my own sanity.
Wondering why I wasn’t worth a text back or phone call. I mean, I get it, it’s exciting to see their name pop up on your phone, it gives you butterflies every time they text you, or call you.
But, that same energy they use to make you smile with a text they can use to take you on a date, to get to know you, to learn you, make you theirs.
Now, how refreshing for me to be able to do whatever I want and not worry about anyone. I run on my own time. I go out when I want, eat what I want, BUY what I want. Because I work hard for my money and because I should be able to and you won’t ever find a man who is able to say that he helped me get to where I am today. That if it weren’t for what he did, I wouldn’t be here.
The devil is a lie.
It is so funny how time works.
Things that I asked God for I am finally seeing come to fruition in 2018. I remember sitting in my apartment my Senior year of undergrad and just hoping and praying that once I graduate life would be better. That I would have better. That everything I was working and struggling hard for would all be worth it.
Well, I can say that it was. I can say that I am finally in that space I talked so much about. I said that I would have my own apartment, but not only that; I am closing the deal on a new townhouse in a few days.
Yes, I had hoped to be in grad school and being on track to graduate. But, in all honesty forget the plan.
I think we get so caught up in plans and for me as a Capricorn I live by plans and schedules and organization. But, I am also a Sagittarius and we can’t stand having everything by the book.
But, plans…. the funny thing about that is plans change and when we stay focused on the plan we limit ourselves and get disappointed when we don’t end up where we thought we’d be.
I am so grateful that God loves me enough to have better plans for me than I have for myself.
I’m grateful that he has the final say.
If I were still in school, I probably wouldn’t have the job I have now.
I would probably still be with a man that did not value me and I would probably be holed up in my apartment writing a paper that I honestly did not care too much about.
For once in my life I am LIVING.
Financially stable and dependent upon myself.
A lot of people did not make the cut with me this year. The ones that did, we hardly ever speak. But, we are all on different paths and we check in from time to time but real friends remain your friends no matter what phase you are experiencing in life. They support you regardless.
The people that never made it to my final draft pick, well, I wish them all the love in the world but God is really pulling me in a different direction and they have reached their expiration date on their position in my life.
Not everyone can go with you where God is taking you.
Someone said to me the other day “You live and you learn because you don’t get another turn” and that really struck home for me for various reasons.
In my short 22 years of life, I have lived through situations that not most have the heart to endure. Some of those situations were because of my own self-interest and others were due to circumstance.
I lost the most important man in my life at 13 and that’s what created the chain reaction for everything else.
In my living, however, I learned of heartbreak for the first time.
I learned of emotional manipulation and saw it for what it truly was. Manipulation. Abuse. Malice.
I learned myself.
I looked to myself for guidance when I felt God had turned his back on me and that I was all alone.
I looked to myself to be my prince charming.
I had depended on myself to rescue myself.
It took a couple of times falling off that white horse for me to finally get the message though. But, I finally got it.
This same person said to me that a woman’s body is sacred.
Mine is. Yours is.
I used to be completely and utterly disappointed and disgusted in myself and how naïve I was that I allowed men to enter my temple without even trying.
I settled for the bare minimum and allowed anything into my life just because I did not want to be alone.
Because I thought my time was running out.
It left me depressed, angry, unloved and unwanted.
But, I can’t go back in time and change my life.
I can’t fast forward to the future either.
The only thing I have control over is the here and the now.
I can only control how I heal now, in the present.
I get a say in what that looks like.
I choose myself and I will continue to do so over and over again until someone picks me and chooses me and loves me without fault or hesitation.
I choose peace. Anything that can cause me to loose my peace is not worth it.
I choose love.
I choose happiness.
No matter how many people hurt me in this life, no matter how many people let me down and never show up for me God loves me and reminds me everyday to keep loving.
I have a big heart and that means I have a lot of love to give.
But, it also means that as scarred as I am I am also ready to receive that love in return.
So, I will continue to choose love because I know my love is out there.
No matter how down I got, God never let me give up on myself or what I valued.
He never let me sit down and let that darkness fester in my life. He told me to keep pushing. To keep striving.
Everyday I become stronger.
Everyday, I wake up with the courage to seize the day and only live in love and light. To remove anything that would dare hinder me from living the life I had held myself back from for so long.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers but at 22 years old I can say that I’ve got a bit of hang of how life works now.
I let so many people control my life, my emotions. I let people say and do anything they wanted because I didn’t love myself enough to care and I accepted anything because I thought it wouldn’t impact me as much.
But, it did.
When we give people that much power over us they feel that they own you, that they control you and you’d be helpless against them because, well, you let them get away with it.
I waisted so much time on people. On their thoughts and opinions and I suppressed my own views. But, now that I have reclaimed my power everyone wants to throw a fit.
Men get annoyed because I refuse to waste an evening losing brain cells in mindless conversation with them.
They tell me I need to humble myself and tone it down that I’m not all that.
I say, forget that.
Men will only try to control a woman they know they can’t control.
They think that by telling me to humble myself it will stop me from being this woman God has called me to be.
That their words would have that much power to cause me to dim my shine. That they are more powerful than the one who created me. They thought wrong.
I’m not conceited.
Am I confident? Absolutely.
Because, for a long time I didn’t think I was beautiful, I hated how I looked. I hated everything about myself and it has taken me this long to be able to love the person I see in the mirror and I let her know that every chance I get.
So, when people tell me I need to humble myself I block them because I don’t need that energy in my life and because I finally love myself the way I deserve to.
I celebrate myself every single day and I for the first time don’t seek validation from anyone, especially any man.
But, they’re so egotistical that they think everything is about them.
I fix my own crown.
When God himself tells me it’s time I tone it down then I’ll know I’m doing too much.
But, yes I am extra, yes I can be a bit too much but here’s the thing people forget….God made me that way.
He knew exactly what I’d be like at 22 before I did. He knew what he wanted me to look like, sound like, think and feel like.
So, if it’s okay with him then no one else in this worlds opinion matters to me. He is the one that has kept me pushing and striving when no one else did and because of that…no one has the right to speak on my life because they didn’t contribute to it.
I’m not going to drag this out any longer than necessary.
If you take away nothing else from this just know this….You’re amazing.
Don’t ever let anyone try to dim your light.
In a world where so much darkness, sadness and anger rule, we need as much light and love as we can get.
Exude love and it will return back to you tenfold.
I love you, angels.
You guys save me, everyday.
I do this for you.
Until next time.