Welcome back to my blog.
I have kept things lighthearted for the past couple of months and while I love not being so melancholy all the time, I didn’t create this blog just to be surface level.
I created this to be able to have an outlet to speak my truths and you, my lovely readers have been more than accepting of that.
A feeling I know all to well. It seems that I can never shake it. Every season, it sneaks up on me like an illness. Driving me crazy until I cave and do something about it.
I want to really dive in to my experience with this feeling and in order to do so, I need to break apart the meaning and piece it together based on what I have been through.
According to Dictionary.com, loneliness has 3 distinct meanings :
- Affected with, characterized by or causing a depressing feeling of being alone/ lonesome.
- Destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.:a lonely exile.
- Lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
Almost a year ago, I packed up my bags, moved away from home and started a new journey in life. Little to my knowledge, God put me down another path on said journey. But, I had no idea it would come with an overwhelming amount of loneliness.
I feel completely alone.
I am away from my family. I have cut off those toxic one-sided friendships and everyone else that I do have some sort of connection with is not in my immediate atmosphere.
My days have all been blurred together and my routine remains the same.
Work. Home. Sleep. Repeat.
Every once in a while I break away from routine and take a trip to visit the family or go out for a little social interaction, but, then, everything goes back to the way it was.
Recently I had reached my breaking point. I went home to visit my family and what was supposed to be a discussion on how we each could better ourselves and pull our weight in the household, quickly turned into a scene from a soap opera.
It was as if the wall I had struggled so hard to keep up, came crashing down.
I became inconsolable. There was nothing you could tell me. You couldn’t tell me to calm down, you couldn’t tell me it would be okay. I couldn’t even hear anything over my body being racked with my sobbing.
I had tried to calm my body down because at the rate I was going, I knew it would quickly turn into an anxiety attack, my body was rapidly heating up, I was shaking so badly and the tears kept falling, my vision even became blurred.
I could vaguely hear the sympathy in my Aunt’s voice as she was telling me to come sit by here so she could console me.
I remember wiping my tears with my shirt and could see the looks on my mother and sisters faces. They were in shock, not sure of what to say, or do, because they had never seen me like this.
I had always been private about how I showed emotion, especially with my family.
If I ever felt the need to cry, about anything, I would go to my room or contain myself long enough so that I could get away and allow myself to cry.
I had felt so isolated, so alone, that the feelings I was too prideful to share with anyone because I felt that I would be a burden, even from my own family, ended up also causing them pain.
I had blindsided them.
How were they supposed to help me? When this was just as new to me.
That moment with my family, in one way or another did give me some closure. Even if no one in my family understood why I was feeling the way I did, or even if they didn’t want to understand, I was able to grieve and in some way I was able to feel better and it felt like a load had been lifted.
It felt that I had been set free.
I just thought that my solitude was the catalyst to my feelings of loneliness, that it drove it.
I felt like an anchor had been tied to my leg and I kept sinking further and further. It was like I couldn’t breathe.
You read about embracing being alone in every self-help, self-love book.
Poets talk about being alone as a way to further prove that you love yourself, as if it helps.
To me, a being who craves social interaction and human intimacy, being alone is not always therapeutic. In fact, it can make things worse.
Solitude means: the state of being or living alone; seclusion: to enjoy one’s solitude.
But, how much of one’s own solitude can one endure before it starts to feel like a prison.
It’s like saying “oh, you can’t connect with anyone else, so choose to be by yourself in an attempt to continue to grow and reach enlightenment and maybe, just maybe, if you play the solitude cards right, and when you are ready, the right one will find you”.
That is the most laughable notion I have ever heard.
We are not designed to be alone.
It is not in our DNA.
There was a sermon I had watched by Pastor Michael Todd and he mentions a few things that I think everyone dealing with loneliness needs to know.
In the bible, even God knew that Adam could not be in the garden alone.
In Genesis 2:18 it says:
“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”.
God created a partner for Adam, and that lets us know that he does desire relationships for us.
Two people together, is much more effective than one.
What I am learning more of each day is that God desires for a few things to be put in place before he gives us our person.
God wants us to have :
Until all of those variables are in place in your life, God won’t introduce you to the person he has for you.
If I don’t work on myself, my craft, grow in my purpose and truly know myself, then a person will never be able to make me content.
Being in a relationship doesn’t solve my loneliness problem, I know that.
In Matthew 22:36-39 says :
“Love the lord god with all your heart, mind, soul”. It also says “Love your neighbor as yourself”.
We have to be able to love GOD first and foremost before we can love anyone else or before anyone can love us.
Next, we have to be able to love ourselves, flaws and all. Because, again, if we don’t love ourselves, how can we ever expect anyone to love us.
Lastly, we have to be able to love others as we would ourselves.
It is okay to be single, but it is not good to be alone. But, how do you maximize your singleness and make sure that you are taking advantage of some of the best years of your life, but not be alone?
That is the missing piece of the puzzle that I am trying to figure out.
We know what the Bible says on loneliness and relationships. We know what we should do when we experience these feelings of hopelessness, loneliness.
But, even with knowing all of this, it still doesn’t comfort how I feel.
I feel alone.
Devoid of companionship.
Alone is not the same as being single.
If you look up the definition of Alone, a few interesting definitions show up.
- Separate: Apart and detached different.
- Unique: Original, distinctive, special.
- Whole: Complete, unified with one self, to be one.
So, instead of saying “I Am Alone”, based on what I know now, I can say :
- I AM DETACHED AND DIFFERENT
- I AM UNIQUE
- I AM WHOLE
I’ve shared the good that others have said comes from being lonely.
BUT , THE PROBLEM STILL REMAINS.
That, I am lonely.
Not only do I feel am I lonely in my love life.
I am lonely in my social life as well.
In fact, I have no social life.
I am in a position that deprives me of having adequate human interaction outside of work.
The people who I do consider friends, we hardly speak anymore because we all are attempting to live our lives and they have their issues as well. But, I know that at the end of the day they still love me.
It is just hard meeting people who truly see you. People you can connect with and it is effortless because they understand you.
I need intimacy.
I crave intimacy and a glass of wine with a handsome man who likes silent films.
Loneliness will have you feeling like you need to lower your standards just to make it go away.
To search for things or force relationships that you don’t want.
Loneliness makes you desperate.
You can admit that you are doing yourself an injustice by seeing the guy you know isn’t good for you, but the feeling of wanting that intimacy, that warmth with someone can and will overpower your feelings of guilt.
You know you are doing wrong, you know you shouldn’t see him again, but you do.
You do because you want to feel connected to someone, or pretend that there is a connection there. You are willing to force yourself to be with someone, even if you do not like them, because you want to feel something.
I remember sitting up many nights just itching to hit up a ghost from my past.
Wanting to feel their touch, even though it made my skin crawl. But, it was something I was missing.
But, in my thirst for company, I started to quickly realize what real intimacy was and that sex was not it. Because, that’s what I called these guys for. Company.
Company which in their mind means “have sex with me”.
Men can be so juvenile sometimes, they think sex is the only form of intimacy you can have with someone.
Another thing I am learning is that recreational dating is the most dangerous thing a lonely person can do.
We have all recreationally dated, dating just for fun. Bouncing from person to person for that thrill. But, with the wrong person, feeling that thrill can land you pregnant or God forbid, a disease.
Tink said it best “He just wanted one thing and I just wanted something, to smile at and live for and hug on”.
I want someone to feel like they need me. Who won’t treat me like I am just regular. Who treats me like somebody. Not property.
Unfortunately, you do not find Prince Charming while you are trying to recreationally date.
Nothing healthy comes from recreational dating.
I remember the nights I would stay up, tossing and turning, trying to keep the tears at bay. Wondering what was wrong with me, wondering how many more nights would I have to spend like this. Wondering where my love is.
Wondering if I will ever feel wanted by someone holistically.
Wondering if I will ever know what it is like to have someone pick me, to have someone choose me, to have someone love me, and only me.
To have someone look at me and have it feel like they are home.
They tell you that it is going to be okay, they tell you to love yourself but what they don’t tell you is that while you are doing that, the feeling continues to overpower you.
I wish I could tell you what the solution to loneliness is, but, I can’t.
I can’t tell you what it is because I am still going through it.
I can’t tell you what the other side of this mountain looks like because I am still on the other side.
Do I think it will get better? Absolutely
But, right now, I don’t know if it ever will.
Some days I have good days and other days…other days, I have bad days.
Some days I can function at work and go about my day-to-day routine. I might even be able to even get something creative tackled.
Other days I can’t do anything other than lay in bed or just wish that my shift would be over so I can go home and lay down.
I spoke to a therapist at my job recently and she told me that from her expertise, I am experiencing some minor depression which is why I was having mood swings and felt lost. I felt like I was stuck, like nothing was ever going to move forward for me. I felt helpless.
Feeling like I don’t have that intimacy, that connection that I desire affects my life a lot more than it should.
It affects my mental health a lot more than it should and the worst part is that I allow it to consume me.
Having extreme feelings of loneliness causes me to oftentimes lose sight of the strong, confident, beautiful woman I know myself to be.
I don’t mean to but I would start to view myself as unworthy of love, undesirable.
I would never go as far as to say that I was unattractive or ugly, but, I would just say I wasn’t attractive enough.
I would find a way to still let my mind know that I was beautiful but that I was not attractive enough in the guys eyes.
I would also begin to doubt everything I have ever done.
I would say:
“What is the point of being a good writer if no one is around to read my work?”
Or : “What is the point in dressing up and feeling sexy if no one appreciates it?”
Yes, I know you should do all of these things for yourself but back to my original statement from earlier, how long can a person do things for their own enjoyment without someone else cheering them on?
It’s like being the lead at the school play after several failed auditions and opening night, none of your loved ones show up. Not even your cool aunt.
Whatever I did, I would rule it out because I never had that love of mine beside me to enjoy life with me.
I would be out at functions and would feel like a buzz kill because while everyone was boo’d up or attempting to be, I would be the wallflower watching them, just wishing I could be having as much fun.
Feeling like you are unwanted, it started to suck the fun out of living life.
Because, what is the fun in living life if you have no one to make memories with?
But, aside from that I have been feeling a lot better. I woke up this morning with a new lease on life. I woke up happier than I had been in weeks.
For the first time in weeks, I felt passionate about life again.
The possibilities of life became endless. I was ready to tackle anything and everything.
I decided to pay more attention to my passion projects again.
I want to invest in the things that fuel my soul.
I feel like a little kid again that is excited for the trip to the candy shop and once she gets there fills her baggies up with every single candy that she can get her hands on.
I do not know what awaits me on the other end of this obstacle titled “loneliness”.
But, I will let you lovelies know when I get there.
I believe that it is a hell of a lot better than anything I am going through now.
It has to be.
I believe it will be and if today is any indication of what the future holds, then, I know it is going to be a very bright and beautiful future.
Until Next time, I am signing off.
See you soon,